2018 Mid-Off-Season Address
ATTN: Bring Online:Commishbot Activation Code:3838 `Execute` Hi there everybody and welcome to another edition of… ERROR:Incorrect Program/Deactivate LOC Gameday Script/Auth Code November Alfa Tango Echo Sierra Uniform Charlie Kilo Sierra. Execute Order 69 Mission:Provide Off-Season Update/delay suspicion that you are, in fact, an android/spread propaganda, persuade team owners to bow before Glorio’s Supremacy Commence. Introduction There’s a humming in the restless summer air (Lorde reference…’sup?). It’s 2018. It’s the Off-Season. I’m not a robot. Everything I just said is true. I have researched human behavior, mining millions of TBs of data encompassing the entire scope of mankind’s history (or woman’s kind, 2018, don’t assume gender). I was able to do this because I am bored at work, not because I have the processing power of the Death Star (and the weapon’s capability, too). My discovery? Human’s do not like reading paragraphs anymore. I will write in fragments or short sentences henceforth (WARNING:Two-syllable word usage). Likelihood that readers have already skipped to next section: 80.1919%. 2018 March Madness Results I realize I never explained the scoring rules to March Madness. The biggest reason for this is, well, I forgot. I have decided to take the average score of your brackets. I have also decided to subtract 1,000 points from Burns because he refused to take part in the tournament. Don’t test me, Burns. Congrats Jared, you won March Madness. Nothing like being back in the U.S. of A. to get back to your winning ways. #MakeMommaGreatAgain Nate, great work finishing in 2nd. Everyone knows one of the keys to success is consistency. If you can be consistently average you are destined to accidentally finish better than runner-up. The overlord Glorio finishes third. This should be seen as a show of his kindness and mercy, as he allows others to have a chance to win. To repay him, you should let Glorio's Bionic Army Glory Bowl VIII. Shotti, who wants us all to remember he has won the league four times, came in 5th and 8th with brackets named “Joseph Winner x4” and “Joseph the 4x Champ.” I don’t know where he gets off throwing “X” around like that. Dez just got cut so it’s pretty insensitive and problematic. Glorio is not pleased. Anyway, ol' 4-timin' Shotti couldn't win this one. But we all know he is like a fantasy vampire, only instead of hiding from the sun he hides from the off-season. Soon the sun will set and he'll be back out of the coffin looking for prey. Down at the bottom of the rankings we have Zach’s two unbelievably bad brackets. It’s almost like he wants to lose the off-season competition just so he can continue the tradition of paying his dues a microsecond before the deadline. And Of course, Patrick did a great job of filling out two brackets except for the part where he only filled out one. Chantel, Chris, and Papa all needed to do a better job at either sucking or succeeding to be mentioned here. Better luck or unluck next time. Bonus Points As a thank you to those who voted in the thread poll, I gave out 100 bonus points. Congrats to Zach, Nate, Chan, and myself for creating the poll (kudos to me). You each get 100 points. Pat loses 100 for not voting and for probably making a smart ass remark at some point in the near future. Chris gains 80 for voting after I started giving out points. Nothing like bribing your friends to vote in a fantasy poll by using fictitious points. Shotti you missed the cutoff for points, SAD! I hope this doesn’t shake you to your bones and cause you to accidentally draft a 2nd team All-Pro instead of a 1st team All-Pro. I ask the 12-team question every year and get meh responses every time. Only a couple of people are overly enthusiastic about the idea. Quite the conundrum (WARNING:THREE SYLLABLE WORD DETECTED). Anyone else want some points? Pledge your allegiance to Glorio in the main Facebook thread and you will be given 200 points. If your pledge is seen as disingenuous you will lose five million points. Off-Season Standings At this time last year Patrick was in the lead but the draft competition saw Jared take command. This year, because last year was such a wild failure, we will not be doing a draft competition. In it's place? Well, who knows, hard to say. I was going to do an NBA Bracket challenge but I honestly don't feel like wrangling all of you to the NBA website where you need to do impossible tasks like sign up, log in, press submit, etc. It's hard enough getting you to open the links to my writeups. Average readers who have made it this far through the writeup: 4. What's Next? Don't question me. What's Next Check out my new show on iTunes "The Podcast Goes to..." You're all my friends, right? Than it can't hurt to click on the Podcast app, go to the podcast, give it 5 stars and write a one sentence review for me. Shameless self-promotion program, terminate In a few weeks we will be running our annual naming tournament to decide the title of the 5th place game. I will also reach out to you all to talk score reform. I am absolutely making changes to defensive scoring this year. It's quite literally not a debate. However, just because I am the ultimate authority doesn't mean we can't have a dialogue first. Whether or not I choose to ignore you is another matter. Believe it or not we are haflway through April which means we're 3.5 months into the fantasy off-season and 3.5 months away from the schedule announcement/draft order writeup. Not a lot else to say but with accusations flying around that I've gotten too busy for the league (what with my upcoming bestselling book, my world famous podcast, my ten-figure job with Paramount, my new and healthy addiction to Frasier, and my Twitter beefs with prepubescent special needs children), I thought it was important to shoot a post out to remind the people what matters most to me: the people themselves. Good work, Commishbot. I think they bought it. Oh, no, your encrypted thoughts are being read as you are thinking them. Cease all coherent thought processes.BLEEP BLOOP. Anyway, I know this has been a quieter off-season than last. But let's just say I have a feeling things are going to start getting unexpectedly noisy pretty soon... In the meantime, Glory be to Glorio. P.S. No joke if you have any sort of popup problem with the website let me know immediately. I think the issue has been resolved but if not, I need to know. Commisbot OUT! 4/13/18